Navigating Neurodivergence in Relationships: Understanding and Supporting Authentic Connection

What Is Neurodivergence?

Neurodivergence is an umbrella term that refers to natural variations in the way people think, process, and interact with the world. It includes conditions such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), dyslexia, OCD, Tourette syndrome, and others. Rather than viewing these differences as deficits, the neurodiversity community emphasizes that they represent valid, valuable, and constructive ways of being.

Neurodivergent individuals often experience the world in heightened or atypical ways. Relationships with family, romantic partners, friends, and colleagues can carry unique challenges. Misunderstandings can arise not from lack of love, but from powerful emotions that are expressed through alternative displays of communication and differences in sensory processing.

Neurodivergence Within Families

As a Child

Neurodivergent children may struggle with transitions, emotional regulation, or social norms that others take for granted. Loud sounds and bright flashing lights may elicit unexpected reactions from children with some form of neurodivergence. Additionally, what may appear to adults as defiance or laziness could stem from sensory overload or even executive dysfunction - a breakdown in cognitive processes that help manage daily tasks and behavior, which may impact planning, organization, and emotional regulation. These children often crave consistency, clear expectations, and gentleness, even if they can’t articulate it.

As a Parent

Neurodivergent parents often face internal pressure to maintain routines and to regulate their emotions in ways that often conflict with their own processing needs and capabilities. Sensory sensitivity, overstimulation, and burnout are common (but often invisible) struggles. When unsupported, this can lead to feelings of guilt or perceived failure, especially when comparing themselves to neurotypical parents often portrayed in media, and those they know in real life.

As a Family Member (or Work Colleague)

Extended family members and coworkers may misunderstand a neurodivergent person’s “quirks” as rudeness, detachment, excessive neediness, or even codependence. Education, boundaries, and open dialogue can help reframe these traits simply as a different way to process information - not wrong, and certainly not unmanageable.

Neurodivergence within Relationships

Lovers / Partners

Neurodivergent individuals often experience love deeply, but not always in conventional ways. They may express devotion through information-sharing, acts of service, or problem-solving rather than physical affection or small talk. Sensory issues can affect physical intimacy, while emotional regulation challenges may lead to unexpected reactions under perceived stress.

Communication styles can differ drastically. For example, a partner with autism may struggle with indirect language or “reading between the lines,” while someone with ADHD may be emotionally expressive but forgetful or extremely inconsistent.

When both partners work to understand each other’s triggers and strengths through open communication that comes from a place of love that is fueled by curiosity, a deep, supportive partnership can blossom.

Platonic Friends

Friendships can be both a sanctuary and a stressor for those with different processing capacities. Neurodivergent individuals may prefer deeper one-on-one interactions over group settings, or need extra time between socializing to recover from sensory overstimulation. They might “info-dump” as a form of connection, or even go long periods without contact and show zero change in deep affection.

Arguments and discord often arise when neurotypical friends expect social norms from their divergent counterparts. These expectations often feel unnatural or draining to those with certain challenges. Through open communication and patience, misunderstandings can be overcome. As a result, loyalty is often a strong characteristic found in neurodivergent individuals once they are understood by those who take the time to view the world through their eyes.

Making and Showing Connection

Emotional bids are when we do something to signal that we desire attention and connection. They are utilized in every kind of relationship – romantic, familial, social and professional. While the five traditional love languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) still hold relevance, neurodivergent individuals often bid for connection and emotional support in nontraditional ways.

A few examples of how neurodivergent individuals might bid for support, express love and foster plutonic connection include:

Penguin Pebbling

Giving small, thoughtful, often symbolic gifts as gestures of affection and connection - inspired by the penguin ritual of offering pebbles to mates. Individuals may create art, music playlists, or crafts with personal meaning.

Info-dumping

This is a sign of comfort and trust, inviting the listener into their world and allowing them to experience shared joy. These individuals often share personal information or in-depth knowledge about a special interest or passion with overwhelming enthusiasm.

Creating Predictable Environments and Routines

Prioritizing consistency and structure in daily life can provide a sense of safety and security for individuals who benefit from predictability, especially when navigating PTSD in conjunction with challenges in executive functioning and other neurodivergent hurdles.

Parallel Play/Body Doubling

Being physically present in the same room, but engaged in separate activities creates a sense of companionship without the pressure of constant interaction - picture one person scrolling on the phone while the other is watching a movie beside them. This may come across as being rude or inattentive to those who are uninformed, but to a neurodivergent mate, this is an intimate sign of affection.

Deep Pressure

Seeking or offering firm, consistent physical pressure (tight hugs, weighted blankets, etc.) to provide a sense of comfort, security, and connection is common.

Actions and Practical Support

Offering direct solutions or blunt honesty instead of emotional reassurances is a hallmark trait of this emotional bid. These individuals often hyper-focus on your wellbeing or needs - sometimes to their own detriment. Affection is demonstrated through acts of service, like performing chores, remembering important details and special dates, or creating supportive structures like routines, schedules, and organizing your workspace.

Support Swapping/Sharing Spoons

Partners recognize and respect each other's limitations by providing mutual support when energy levels (aka "spoons") are low. For example, a neurodivergent person may struggle with chores like vacuuming, so someone else could do that task while the neurodivergent individual does laundry; or if someone is having a "low spoon" day and finds it hard to cook, their mate may cook or order takeout.

Engagement with Special Interests

Actively participating in or showing genuine interest in a loved one's passions, as this signifies a desire for connection and understanding.

Alternative Communication Methods

Utilizing written notes, texts, or visual aids to express feelings and needs, especially when verbal communication presents challenges. A neurodivergent individual may send long, thoughtful messages or memes related to your interests, or even create art, music playlists, or crafts with personal meaning.

While these acts may not fit traditional love languages, they are sincere expressions of care.

Moving Toward Deeper Understanding

Understanding neurodivergence in relationships isn’t about walking on eggshells - it’s about expanding our capacity for compassion. When we honor different ways of thinking and connecting, we invite more curiosity and authenticity into our lives and communities.

Whether you're neurodivergent yourself or love someone who is, building connection starts with patience, curiosity, and the willingness to meet each other where you are.